Englishman, Frenchman and Irishman

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children."My son was born on St George's Day," remarked the Englishman, "So we obviously decided to call him George.""That's a real coincidence," observed the Frenchman, "My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.""That's really incredible," drawled the Irishman, "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.

Footnote 1: In the United Kingdom we have a 'Pancake Day', otherwise known as Shrove Tuesday. This marks the start of lent. During lent one is supposed to fast, hence a day of eating up all the eggs prior to 40 days of deprivation. Unlike St Patrick's day which is always on March 17th, Pancake day varies in line with Easter. In 2006, Pancake day is on Tuesday 28th of February.

Heaven For Free

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and the wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

Three people are on a train: one Russian, one Cuban, and one Deaf person. The Russian is drinking from a bottle of vodka. She drinks about half the bottle, then throws it out the window. The Deaf person looks at her surprised. "Why did you throw out a bottle that was half full?" The Russian replies, "Oh, in my country we have plenty of vodka." Meanwhile, the Cuban, who is smoking a rich aromatic cigar, abruptly tosses it out the window. The Deaf person is surprised again and asks, "Why did you throw out a half-smoked cigar?" The Cuban replies, "Oh, in my country we have plenty of cigars." The Deaf person nods with interest. A little while later a hearing person walks down the aisle. The Deaf person grabs the hearing person and throws him out the window. The Russian and the Cuban look up in amazement. The Deaf person shrugs, "In my country we have plenty of hearing people!"

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted: I am Napoleon! Another one said: How do you know? The first inmate said: God told me! A voice from another room shouted: I did NOT!

Three blondes are walking down the beach. They see something and pick it up and rub it. A genie comes out. He says, you each have one wish. The 1st one says I want to be 20 times smarter. She becomes a brunette. The second one says I want to be smarter but not that much smarter. Make me 10 times smarter. She turns into a redhead. The third one says, I don't want to be any more smarter. Make me 100 times dumber.

She turns into a man.

Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came
down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy
who was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came
down and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up!!"

A Frenchman, a British and a Newfie are waiting patiently at
the top of a ten storey building which is burning up pretty fast.
Finally the fire department get there only to find out that the fire truck ladder doesn't reach the building rooftop. The firmen then decided to get the old blanket out so that the guys could jump. They pulled the blanket up and signaled the three men to jump. The men looked at each other wondering who was going to go first. The Frenchman decides to go and as he jumps he yells out:"Vive la France!". Hearing this, the firmen bellow let the blanket go and the Frenchman hits the pavement. The firmen pulled the blanket back up and signaled the two remaining guys to jump.

The British decides to jump and as he jumps he yells out: "God save the Queen!". Hearing this, the firemen bellow, again, let the blanket go and the British hits pavement. Finally the firemen pulled the blanket again and signaled the Newfie to jump. The Newfie replies, "Are you kiddin' me, I saw what you guys did to my two friends. Gently spread the blanket on the
ground and back up".

Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."

One day three people were stuck on an island with cannibals. The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we won't kill you." So three people followed the orders from the cannibals.

The cannibals said, "Go in to the forest and pick ten pieces of the first kind of fruit you see."

So the first person came back out of the forest with ten apples. The cannibals said, "Stick the apples up in your ass without making a facial expression." The person then frowned in pain after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.

The second person came back out of the forest with ten cherries. The cannibals said, "Put the cherries up your ass without making a facial expression." The person then started laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.

In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries, "Why did you start laughing at the tenth cherry? You were almost there." The person replied, "I saw the third person come out with pineapples."